Dear Fanny,
I find it hard to be around my ex; I share a society with them but it’s the only real social group I’ve got. How do I manage being around them in the long run?
Dear Haunted by your Ex,
Oh, the cursed combination of heartbreak and committee meetings. There is something uniquely painful about pretending to care about society minutes when the person who once knew your favourite takeaway order sits three chairs down. Every glance feels like a jump scare. Every group photo becomes a diplomatic exercise in where to stand. But you are not doomed to a year of emotional whiplash and awkward post-meeting small talk. Promise.
First, take a breath. There is no single correct way to exist around an ex, despite what every rom-com or “we stayed friends” couple on Instagram wants you to think. Some people can slip straight back into polite familiarity. Others need an emotional hazmat suit. You sound like you are somewhere in the middle, stuck because the society is your only real social group right now. And that is okay. It means you have something worth staying for, which already gives you more power than you think.
Start by setting quiet, invisible boundaries. Not dramatic “I never want to see you again” ultimatums, just small internal rules that help you feel sane. For example: do not sit next to them if you can help it, do not linger for gossip after meetings, do not check their socials “just to see.” Protect your peace like it is your student loan refund. You do not owe them continued closeness, even if you are technically in the same group chat.
Then, redirect the focus. You are not there to manage your feelings about them; you are there because the society itself matters to you. Let that be the grounding force when things feel uncomfortable. Pour your energy into projects, planning, and the shared thing that brought you both there in the first place. You might even find that keeping busy helps rebuild the confidence that a breakup tends to chip away at.
Also, and this part is key, start making micro-friendships. You do not need to replace your ex with a whole new social circle overnight, but try to widen your net just a little. Chat to the person you have only ever nodded at during meetings. Volunteer for something that pairs you up with someone new. Having one or two allies who are not tangled up in the breakup makes the room feel far less like enemy territory.
When the emotional waves hit (and they will), remind yourself that awkwardness is survivable. There will be weeks where you leave a meeting feeling fine, and others where a stray comment knocks you flat. Neither means you have regressed. Healing is not linear, especially when the reminder of what once was keeps popping up with a clipboard.
If your ex ever acts weird, too friendly, too cold, too anything, resist the urge to analyse it. You have already done your time in the relationship think tank. They can be inconsistent without it being your problem. You do not need to understand their behaviour to move on from it.
And in the longer run? This situation will quietly build one of the most useful adult skills: emotional professionalism. It is the same muscle you will need later in life when you end up working with someone you cannot stand or bump into an old situationship at a networking event. Right now it feels messy, but future-you will thank present-you for learning how to coexist without combusting.
Ultimately, remember that you have just as much right to that social space as they do. You do not have to shrink yourself or fade into the background to make them comfortable. Let them deal with their own discomfort. You are there to live your life, not orbit around your past.
And if all else fails, consider this your permission to silently, privately imagine you are the main character in a BBC drama about quiet resilience. You walk into the meeting, composed, mysterious, thriving, while your ex wonders how you got even cooler post-breakup. That is your revenge arc.
Yours in post-breakup diplomacy,
Fanny xx
