“When did you first come out?” A question all too familiar to any gay man. For me, I ‘officially’ came out at 18. First to my family, then my friends, and then at uni after attending a ‘Beyonce Night’ during freshers (that one didn’t really require me to come out). However, whilst coming out is often associated with self-acceptance and embracing your identity, in recent years I realised I never truly accepted myself nor embraced my identity. Now it must be said that despite receiving an overwhelming amount of support when I came out, I still encountered the usual stereotypes many gay men face: “I always knew it!” “you’ve always been a bit more feminine” “you were never really into sport” etc.
Whilst some of these were true (I have always hated sport), they were often based off outdated stereotypes that treated homosexuality as something which made you less of a man. This resulted in me resenting myself as a gay man and, in turn, my fellow LGBTQ+ community who I was desperate to distance myself from. It doing so, it led me down a path of trying to desperately assimilate into a wider heteronormative society that conflated being straight with being a man. For years I avoided gay clubs and events like Pride, rejected guys if they were too ‘feminine’, and once even boasted that I knew more about the history of feminism than gay-rights, as if that somehow made me more masculine and appealing to the straight community.
However, today I realise that in trying to prove my masculinity, I was also trying to prove that I could still ‘pass’ and be accepted by the wider straight community. Over the years I’ve been fortunate to befriend some amazing gay people. Their shameless self-acceptance inspired me to have a conversation with myself about what being gay meant to me and the fears I still held. I came to see how diverse our community is. From my gay friend whose vogueing was stuff of legend to my gay friend who I once played a game of football with to impress (that day I did wish being gay meant automatically hating sport!). I’ve also been lucky to have wonderful straight friends who at times have educated me about being gay just as much as I have them.
Importantly, one thing I have decided to do is not worry about if I ‘look’ gay – the assumption that looking gay makes you less of a man – or worry if something I do appears feminine. The two, surprise-surprise, are not related. If you want to wear a leopard print fur-coat, do it! If someone says you look gay (code-word for absolutely fabulous!) then who cares?
The truth is, I do look gay because I am gay, and rather than treating it as an insult I treat it as a badge of honour. I know all too well that I am privileged to live in a society where I can look, behave, and express myself as a gay man. If TV shows like It’s a Sin or books like Straight Jacket teach us anything, it’s that life is too short and too precious to worry about what other people think.
Our gay forefathers and mothers fought for their right to exist, to live unapologetically gay, and to say we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it.
And it is with that mantra that I no longer see my sexuality as something which should stigmatise or inhibit me from living the life so many were denied.
Now the reason I use the term ‘officially came out’ is because I don’t believe you ever truly come out. My ‘coming out’ definitely didn’t start at 18 nor did it end there. It has been and will continue to be an iterative process of realising who I am and dealing with the self-internalised stigma both myself and society have associated with being gay.
I do believe we live in a more accepting and understanding society but there is still a long-way to go before we truly de-stigmatise being gay. This includes the little things, the comments and stereotypes we often don’t realise can be hurtful but can lead to years of trying to hide your true self. I don’t think I’m alone when I say that there is still too much stigma outside and within the LGBT+ community. Unfortunately, people still distinguish between ‘fem’ gays and ‘straight-acting’ gays as if it matters.
Whilst I might not be able to change their views towards being gay, I can change mine. Today, I stand side-by-side with my LGBT+ community. The people who have inspired and encouraged me to embrace my authentic self. And to those I say thank you.
