Transitioning to another gender identity can be a freeing time for many trans+ and non-binary people, but it also can come with a lot of fear and anxiety as to how the true you will be accepted by those around you. For many people, university gives them the space to be the true them, and many people begin transitioning at uni, just like myself. I sat down with trans+ students, Ivy (they/them) and Kai (he/they) and discussed transitioning at uni. Ivy is non-binary, and both Kai and I are transgender.
How long have you been out?
Ivy: “As soon as I got to uni. I knew I was non-binary for a few years now and this was the first time I could be whoever, so I went for it.”
Kai: “Third year.”
Sophie: I’d been questioning since first year and came out in January of this year
When you came out, how did your friends, flatmates and lecturers react?
Ivy: “It was weird, I came out so soon I don’t think all my flatmates knew my deadname.
“I won’t lie I lost a couple friends, some cut me off and some I cut off because I saw who they really were.
“I think they were a bit pissed that I hadn’t told them sooner but I didn’t want to risk it you know? I wasn’t in many lectures when I first came out.
“I had one lecturer who was like ‘Ivy’s a plant’ and didn’t get being non-binary, but we worked it out & he apologised & we’re good now.”
Kai: “I had great housemates, they were cool with it, my friends knew me so well anyway and they’re LGBT too so it wasn’t a shock.
“My tutor was so chill and I never had any issues with lecturers. I got it quite easy.”
Sophie: I’m early on in my transition, all my flatmates know and they’re fine with it (my wardrobe started shifting whilst I was questioning so they weren’t shocked). The friends I’ve told are super supportive, love all my munchkins so much, but I was also quite careful in only telling people I knew would take it well. I haven’t told anyone in my family yet and I’ve only started telling lecturers recently.
All of you have changed your names, how did people deal with that?
Ivy: “I think some people were a bit taken aback at first, it’s not exactly a name you hear much. But it’s different and a lot of the gender-neutral names weren’t me.
“At the end of the day it’s just a different sequence of letters and as long as everyone has a name, they can yell to come do the dishes so it doesn’t matter.”
Kai: “It was a bit of a joke among my friends for a while that I was the only one who still used their birth name (none of my friends are cisgender) so I was met with a few ‘about time’ comments!
“They’re so accepting and we went round my house with Sharpies crossing out my deadname everywhere, which was great until I had to get it off my driving license.”
Sophie: Well, one of my friends actually named me. When I first started questioning I asked her in a random comment what my name would be if I was a girl and she said “Sophie” within seconds. I didn’t like how it sat with my last name though so that’s changed too. Currently looking for a middle name so any suggestions hit me up. The people I’ve told were all fine with it, some of the people they’ve told aren’t, but I don’t talk to them so it’s not an issue. I got a massive hug from my housemate Sally too which is always a bonus.
What have you found most difficult about coming out?
Ivy: “Just some people not getting it, like you say to some people ‘I’m non-binary’ and they stare at you blankly, or some ask ‘is that a girl or a boy?’ and I have to explain to people it’s neither.
“People don’t really question past that but it’s clear that they don’t get it. I mean not everyone’s going to but it’s a bit annoying.”
Kai: “I’m trans. We all get that. But I’m not THE trans person. Same way as I wouldn’t introduce someone as ‘the cis person.’ I don’t mind people knowing that I’m trans. I’m super proud of it, but please don’t introduce me as ‘the trans one’, I’m Kai.”
Sophie: I guess mine is deadname and pronouns. It’s partially a thing because I’m not out to everyone and I’d never expect someone I haven’t told to get it right, but it’s a bit of an irk when I hear my deadname from someone who knows. It’s not their fault, I slip up with pronouns all the time.
What are you most proud of?
Ivy: “I’m proud of all of us and everyone who accepts us. I’m not going to get all deep with this, I’m just being me but I’m proud of everyone.”
Kai: “I’m just proud to have come so far, I’ve been closeted for ages and I could’ve stayed closeted, but the step needed to be taken.”
Sophie: The fact that I got to the point I feel I can share my true self. I’m proud that I can put on a skirt and feel good about who I am. I have my days but I’m proud that I’m me and I’m ready to be the girl I’ve always wanted to be.
There’s a chance that there is someone reading this who is closeted about their gender identity or sexuality, or questioning. If you could say something to them, what would it be?
Ivy: “Babe listen to me, you go be you. You’re beautiful and whoever you truly are is the person you’re meant to be.
“Be brave, you got this!”
Kai: “There’s no rush. If you don’t know or aren’t ready that’s fine, you don’t have to define who you are right now, and don’t feel like you have to put a label on it.
“If you want to define yourself as non-binary or trans that’s perfectly fine but if not, ditch the labels – they’re mainly for other people anyway!”
Sophie: There are so many people like you, I was you once and no matter what you decide, we all love you so much, the LGBTQ+ family is here when you need us and those around you are too. I’m super proud of you my darling, can’t wait to see who you become.
LGBTQ+ support, including guidance for transitioning can be found on the University website: https://su.sheffield.ac.uk/advice-and-support/health-wellbeing/LGBT-plus-support