Willy’s Wonderland
With the Five Nights at Freddy’s movie around the corner, it feels fitting to talk about its frighteningly similar clone. This movie has killer animatronics, a haunted Chucky-Cheese-like environment and a nightguard trying to survive. The only difference? A bloodthirsty Nicolas Cage.
Unlike his other roles, Cage doesn’t shout or scream…or speak in any way. He is consistently silent which makes his cold, lifeless reactions to the horrors around him all the funnier. The only time he expresses joy is when drinking an endless amount of a made-up energy drink or playing/dancing around a vintage pinball machine. He is insane and is soon joined by the worst stereotype-teenage characters I’ve ever seen. They are essentially fodder to desperately try and make the animalistic robots appear scary. Fun fact: this doesn’t work and unfortunately never could. The evident fact that these are just people in goofy suits ruins all fear factors.
If you ever wanted to see Nicolas Cage clean for 2 hours straight, or a massive gorilla robot getting curb stomped on a urinal, this may be the film for you.
Circle
A Striking Set, the intrigue and mystery, the highest stakes imaginable. Circle has everything it needs to be a captivating story. And yet…it’s not. At all.
We are introduced to 100 people, all arranged in a mysterious circle of red spots on the floor. It is up to them to decide who lives or dies as the dark truth of their setting is revealed. The movie has everything it needs to be a great film, but it’s done so terribly. I understand the need for the mystery, and having a large number of people increases the range of people and current issues we can examine but it just ends up feeling like a Jubilee 6 vs 1 YouTube video…but without getting to know 90% of the people. Also having the ending on this dystopian Earth with people who have survived their own Circle (this has happened lots of times apparently – imagine having to watch this more than once!) is all well and good but feels like such a disappointing ending. And then that’s it. We never see what happens next.
For a film that tackles our assumptions about others and gives a deep insight into our thoughts, this film is unapologetically undercooked and comedically a bore to watch.
Sharknado 2: The Second One
Whenever a film has a shark cut in half in slow motion, whilst the Statue of Liberty’s head rolls like a boulder in the background, you know you are in for a good time. This is the beautiful mess, frequent throughout the Sharknado franchise. This film, released in 2014 (after the too-serious original film, and before the jumping-the-shark sequels) has the protagonist Fin (get it?) Shepard going to New York and having to fight off numerous shark-infested disasters whilst the sharks destroy monument after monument.
Despite the endless sharks in this film, not one of them looks good despite the bigger budget. Though the CGI is bad, it isn’t as dreadful as the acting as not a single paid actor gives a convincing, or even ok performance for the little time they are on screen before their shark-based demise. The only fun character is Fin (Ian Ziering), the biggest Jason Statham rip-off imaginable.
Terrible, shoddy but above all else? Fun. Something stupid to sink your teeth into.
Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight
Some films tell you everything you need to know from the title. Tales from the Crypt
Presents: Demon Knight is one of these films. The plot follows the Crypt-keeper (the TV series’ main character voiced by John Kassir) directing a movie. In fact, it’s the movie you are watching right now! Following a group of meat-puppets masquerading as characters (you will not remember their names) stuck in a condemned church protecting an artefact containing the blood of Jesus Christ. They are defending it from The Collector, played to perfection by Billy Zane (Kate Winslet’s evil fiancé in Titanic) as he channels the spirit of Jim Carrey and Looney Tunes into everything he does.
Add enough gore, one-liners and special effects that range from impressive to laugh-inducing and you are given a film that isn’t once going to scare you but will certainly entertain you and pull you into the madness it showcases with pride.
