Romance is never dead, but dating apps are poisoning the fountain of love.
To suggest bluntly that romance is dead, is an absurd notion (especially at university). According to Yugo.com “20% of British university students meet the love of their life at university”.
University students find themselves uniquely placed when it comes to romantic relationships. Young adults (with all the emotions and urges that come with being so) are placed into shared villages with one another for an extended period of time – one might suggest that this is the perfect recipe for romantic relationships.
However, although 1/5 of students do find love, there is a whopping 80% whose romantic status still needs to be accounted for. Well, 74% of Gen Z are known to be using dating apps, and according to research by HEPI (Higher Education Policy Institute) 41% of students have sex whilst at university, a number which, all though significant, is a declining figure compared to previous generations, according to the Telegraph (2021). So, university is still a place where sex is a frequent occurrence, but there is a discrepancy between the figures pertaining to those who have had sexual relationships at university, and those that have come away from university having found ‘the one’. Dating apps are perhaps therefore not entirely promising in terms of long-lasting romantic relationships. Why might this be the case?
It seems apparent, at least through an initial analysis, that dating apps are structured in a way that is congruent, and indeed supportive of, a hedonistic kind of romance. Why do I state such a thing? Well, it’s simple really, the apps generally utilise a swipe mechanism whereby an individual will swipe one direction to say ‘Yes’ I want to see more of you, and swipe the reverse way to say ‘No’ get off of my screen and get out of my life forever. This design seems to do one thing, objectify people. “I deem you worthy/unworthy of me because you do/don’t at first glance appear to meet the physical standards I want and that I deserve”. Now of course no one can help who they are or aren’t attracted to, but surely in the service of ‘true love’, romance requires substance beyond the mere physical; an emotional relationship has to be established. Dating apps do not prioritise this, they operate on an ‘attraction’ first basis. Even the best dating apps utilise a system which ‘idealises’ the traits and characteristics of its users. There is no perfect human being, we all have our peculiarities, the nuances in our identity that make us unique, good, and bad. However, on a dating app there is no such thing as nuance. The possibility of future love is undermined by the insistence that attraction is the ultimate basis for romantic love to manifest itself.
Attraction of course is a very important dimension pertaining to romantic connections, but it should not be THE determining dimension through which all the other elements of romance are subsumed. In order for a romance to transcend the merely temporary moments of sexual and physical attraction, it requires substance. Now, it is true that there are many different dating apps. And a wide range of these attempt to mitigate against the objectifying reality of an ‘attraction’ based swipe mechanic. Bumble for example operates on women-message first basis . This is a genuine and well-intended idea, seeking to provide a style of online dating which offsets the manifestations of toxic masculinity that proliferate themselves on other dating platforms. Hinge, another popular dating app, enables users with unique interactive functions where they can display more personal attributes of themselves outside of the mere physical; the ability to upload segments of audio as well as selecting unique question prompts, provide a genuine system for users to show more of who they are rather than ‘what’ they are. However, the reality is still ultimately a digital one, and one’s ability to sense who another person is, is nothing more than a predictive assessment based on what you ‘imagine someone to be like’, combined with what someone might be ‘imagining themselves to be like’. It seems like the antithesis of the strong kind of romantic relationship of which I described, where it is necessary for a real, authentic, and tangible grasp of another person’s identity. Real romance happens in the real world with real people. Dating apps may provide a domain for possible connections to take place, some may even come to manifest themselves in truly loving relationships, but these are encounters that are exceptions to the rules the data suggests.
As long as human beings are capable of emotion, then human beings will continue to fall in love. To rid ourselves of romance, the type of love which falls under the umbrella of the Greek term ‘Eros’, would be to effectively consign human nature to the fire. We are social creatures, predisposed to relationships with one another, many of which are characterised by spontaneous feelings of attraction towards one another. This simple fact about human nature is the fundamental basis of romantic relationships. Eros can eventually become Ludus or Philia for example, a flirtatious and playful kind of loving and the love of affection, respectively. However, such a transformation requires time and energy. These forms of love emerge as a consequence of time spent with another person, a period of integration into each other’s lives.
Since the advent of the digital revolution, human beings are living lives increasingly defined by their online identities. The avatars we manufacture for ourselves on social media sites are becoming extensions of our very own selves and lives. Due to the ubiquity and commonplace of personal technology and its concomitant feature social media, to exist as a young person in the world without them is almost inconceivable. However, we do not need to rely on dating apps or even social media to forge relationships of any ilk, we need only to be ourselves and have the confidence and courage to go out into the world and meet people.
For university students there are a plethora of sport’s clubs, weird and wacky esoteric societies, and events through which to meet new people and forge authentic relationships. The online world is algorithmically deterministic, where we limit ourselves to a fake two-dimensional world, there are no truly serendipitous encounters to be had in that world. The call for adventure is equally as powerful and compelling as it has ever been in human history, and it lies in the real world with real people. And who knows, you might just fall in love with a real person.
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