If I had a pound for every time that I’ve heard that, I’d finally be able to pay off my student overdraft.
From both inside and outside the community, there are assumptions that queer people usually look a certain way, which leads to naive assumptions and unwarranted statements.
Lots of queer individuals adjust the way that they dress to appear more or less “gay”, and it’s something most of us are at least aware of. This is particularly common among the “baby gays”. Stereotypes sometimes exist for a reason. There are obviously lots of trends amongst the LGBTQ+ community, as there are in any large demographic. Discovering your identity can be daunting and unsettling so often when you find a group of people you align with, you’ll do everything in your power to fully “integrate” yourself. There’s something oddly comforting about people correctly assuming your identity. It avoids some of the exhaustion that comes with constantly coming out to everyone you meet, and can make you feel like you finally “fit in”. The media perpetuates only a select few archetypal queer characters, who are what people picture when they hear the words “queer”, or “gay”, or “lesbian”, leaving everyone else a little lost.
Appearance can play a big role in forming and expressing your identity. It can be either incredibly validating or crushingly invalidating when assumptions are made about your appearance. When questioning identity, the last thing you want is someone else’s opinion adding to that chaos. There is already so much variety between the traditional queer stereotypes – think masc vs femme vs androgynous – so it is incorrect to assume that each identity has just a few images. If you don’t conform to this style blueprint, you are often left feeling alienated.
First, your gender identity or sexuality doesn’t match with the “normal” and now you’re being told that you don’t match up to this new community either? It can feel like you constantly have to prove something and are always fending off questions like “Have you ever actually dated a girl though?”, which are frankly irrelevant. Your own opinion is the only one that matters when it comes to your identity, but it’s natural to crave that validation.
Alas, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. While appearance and identity are often explored at the same time, they can be untangled. At some point, everyone finds a style and presentation that makes them feel more comfortable, and comes to understand themselves more and more. Neither style nor identity will have one permanent fit for you. As humans, we are constantly growing and learning more and more about ourselves every day. There is something so simple yet so beautiful and euphoric in “finding yourself” and being confident in it, regardless of whether or not it matches societal expectations. You’ll find the people that you have to prove yourself for. And one day, the tables will turn and you’ll notice someone else where you began and you’ll realise just how far you’ve come.
