Since 2018 I have watched The Meg every New Year’s Day.  I know it sounds weird, but I cannot feasibly start my year without this tradition as (to me) there is no better way to start a year than to see Jason Statham fighting a 65-foot prehistoric shark whilst spouting some of the cheesiest one-liners in existence. So, it’s safe to assume that when a sequel for the film I quote daily and have seen multiple times was announced and it was revealed that The Meg 2: The Trench contained more sharks, more one-liners and more Statham, I couldn’t wait for my next fix of this perfectly blended madness.

No one expected (or let’s be honest, wanted) this film to have a complex, intricately woven story. We wanted big action and bigger sharks no matter how much the

The film is full of “Jason-Statham-Is-A-Badass” action

plot would suffer, and believe me, it struggles. Characters never make remotely rational decisions, clearly choosing pathways that lead to a more cinematic third act. There are people you don’t even get the chance to remember the names of whose roles would be better suited to being called “fish food.” Plot twists are clumsily obvious whilst science is clearly a myth in this universe. Seriously you come out with so many questions like “Nobody could lift that much?” “Surely that would kill him?” “What is a deviated septum?” or “That isn’t how water pressure works!”

Jason Statham is at peak Jason Statham in this movie. By that I mean he is consistently the coolest guy in the room, growling one-liners, unflinching at danger, and punching megalodons right in the nose. It is safe to assume he won’t be winning an Oscar this year unless they introduce the “Best Big Prehistoric Shark Batterer” category.

Joining Statham are a variety of characters, each with their own ridiculous traits. Mac (Cliff Curtis) and a newly kickass DJ (Page Kennedy) make a return to the sequel, clearly pinching themselves that they get to star in this film, whilst the child actor Meiying (Shuya Sophia Cai) comes back, maturing in age but not in acting range (so she is still a perfect fit for this film)!  Sparring against the heroes are some of the most stereotypical bad guys I’ve ever seen, who must have been trained in the Stormtrooper School of Shooting Things and who each come to a gratifying grisly end.

If I haven’t sold you on this film already, let me try again. Three Megalodons, one giant octopus and a whole bunch of weird, small “not-velociraptor” dinosaurs. These (exceedingly well CGI’d) creatures are brilliant and provide so many memorable action scenes, including poor attempts at tension, crazy “Jason-Statham-Is-A-Badass moments” and fight scenes reminiscent of the “Sharknado-esque” films I used to watch as a kid.

Overall, this film doesn’t take itself seriously so we shouldn’t either. Anyone going into this film with the hope of seeing the next Jaws is in the wrong cinema. This film is fast-paced, ridiculous and above all else, fun. The critic part of my brain knows this film should get a terrible review, but every fibre of my being is preventing me from doing so.

I guess my New Year’s Day tradition has just become a double bill.

Verdict – 4/5

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