Morning, February 1st 2020. All across the land of stiff upper lips on the faces of 17.4 million people start to twist in a momentary collapse of unparalleled patriotic stoicism. Knuckle tattoos spelling out ‘B-R-E-X-I-T-4-E-V-A’ are proudly held around pint glasses of Carling. Meanwhile, crumpets buttered by Hereford cows are nibbled at in recently-even-wealthier-than-before-2016 estates, culminating in a short toast to a framed picture above the fireplace of a dishevelled blonde-haired man who is now also even wealthier than before 2016.
Across Britain, celebrations are being prepared for the third national day of British victory in just over 100 years. Champagne, croissants, bananas, Nestlé and Müller are all thrown out at first sight, with French toast forever being banned due to unpleasant political associations. In addition to this, any words containing ‘eu’, such as amateur, museum, queue, entrepreneur, have been replaced in Orwellian style, and now must be addressed as ‘amatr’, ‘musm’, ‘que’ and ‘entreprenr’.
Having by now become accustomed to having no money for doctors, in an ironic twist of events, the NHS is thriving, taking in patients who are overcome with ‘Blighty Enlargement’. An equally large number of people freeze France and Germany’s VISA application page, for which the only rule is that ‘Applications are welcome as long as you don’t mention the Brexit’.
As midday arrives on Britain’s first ever Proper-Storming-Out-of-Mam-and-Dads-House-For-Realsies Day, the exciting new possibilities of what we can now achieve come rushing to the heads of its young children, giddy and sugarless, dancing round the largest maypole ever erected made purely from the last remaining British steel.
And just on the horizon, striding towards the White Cliffs of Dover, millions of ruddy-faced men scream ‘SOVEREIGNTY’ at each other, before turning to France to belt out ‘ROOL BRITTANYER’.
Graphic: The DigitalArtist
Ryan Smith is an Opinion Contributor. If you would like to get involved with the section please email [email protected] with a short pitch.